Why?

Lucian asked me why.

How can I say that I don't even understand what our last argument was about? That those reasons aren't the real reasons. That Jonny stormed out again and I realised... that this time I wouldn't follow.

That was yesterday. Today was anger.

Fuck you, Jonny. I did my best through all the crap and I deserved better.

And then deflation.

And so did you.

Someone hurt me, Jonny. Someone hurt you, too? Could we cry in each other's arms and make it better?

Then the real world returns.

Free

Reports are coming through that Intaki is free.

Free from Caldari occupation, that is. Now able, I hope, to work out for itself how it feels about its role in the Federation.

Moira.'s done good work. Jonny should be proud.

I should be happy.

Endings

It's been over a year.

Joy. Audacity. Stories woven together. A daughter.

So many arguments and misunderstandings.

I'm worn out.

My heart aches. Why is who I am not right for you? Not right?

I still wish, but I wouldn't any longer call it hope.

I'm walking through the station mall in Gulf. Just walking. There are people. They don't know me. I move through their cool indifference.

What kind of peaceweaver am I if I can't even manage my own relationships?

I've spent so long not talking about the problems to anyone else. Least said: soonest mended. What do I do now? Once I tell Auntie Mara and the clan... they were getting to know him, to like him, to think he might have a future with them. Once I tell them, it changes. Once I tell them it becomes real.

Am I as concerned about failing as about joy?

When do you say 'enough'?

When do I say 'enough'?

I think I just did.

Please let this not be real.

This is real.

Ancestors and erendati, I am not myself today. Guard me while I fly, for I am falling, voiceless, into the void.

Hitches

I still can't think why I'd say yes. But people do: there must be a reason. Perhaps there's some definition of things that makes more sense.

It would be hard to say no without breaking things: families, hearts. Is that why people say yes?

It would be amusing - darkly - to find I'm the better freecaptain.