Wings

I like this ship.

I really like this ship.

Strength

When Ulf first came back to us he was broken.

Some say we took a warrior and made him meek.

I say don't mistake bluster for strength.

Perspective

A week can make such a difference.

I've been feeling a little soul-dry lately. Nothing to worry about, just realising that I feel limited by all the things I can't or won't risk, to the point where I'm not doing much.

So I'm trying to change the way I look at some things. Make the things less important than the actions. Sell off some stock rather than hoarding it because some day it'll be useful. Look at ships purely for their aesthetics, for a change, rather than for what's safe and practical. It's different. Also amusing: I seem to be drawn to the look of ships that are deeply politically inappropriate.

Been talking with Lucian a bit, although mostly in public. He wanted to do dinner; even offered to meet in person, but I didn't think that would be a good idea. We ended up having a virtual meal together while we both ate in our respective parts of space.

He told me he loves me. He'd like us to try 'dating'.

I told him I'm not looking for another lover now.

He'd like to be my confidante.

I can't confide in him: not about the things I work with these days. It's... naive to expect that.

We were close once. He's always been one of those men who's better company on his own, when he's not trying to be the person he seems to think he needs to be around others.

When he's trying to be the person he thinks he needs to be around me?

I still remember walking in on him and Nauticaa in LM 2.0. I probably shouldn't. But it's not my duty to be with him in that way, and I don't want to.

There's no need to be cruel, though.

Through it I had Isobel's comment in mind, about the laziness or hypocrisy of using "I already have a boyfriend" as an explanation of why you're not interested in someone. So I didn't mention Jacob, even though I suspect that might be something he'd understand and accept: he's enough of a propertarian to see it as a matter of property and access rights.

Problem is, it can lead to people waiting for the next breakup -- encouraging it, even -- and hoping that then they'll be in with a chance.

There are people I could want enough to have a wildly inappropriate affair. Lucian's not one of them. I don't feel that way about him.

Any longer?

I'm not so young and admiring these days.

Shards

I had another uncle, Miika...

Mmmm...

Jacob is back.

Jacob is home.

Restless

Keeping busy. Getting over the cold I picked up at Paiho that left me not wanting to face pod goo for a while. Finally managed to sell some of the stock out of the office, but it's really not a good place for a shopfront.

Did dinner at Cia's place with Else. Pleasant. Speculated on what would happen if Aeron tested positive for the pod: I imagine that would not be a happy day for Rhiannon. Aware that we still need to arrange a suitable time for the talk Else would like to have.

Set things up for some simulator training with Ulf, CJ, Benito and Ivan. I like the simulator. Ivan designed me a fit that gets in very close, and I'd hate to have tried it the first time for real. On the sim, however, it was good. He was surprisingly gentle in the ways that mattered. Makes me want to become better. Makes me hesitant about going back if I'm not becoming better.

Went back to The Last Gate, despite the awkwardness since we redded Veto. Caught up with Shae: Caellach's been even more scarce than Jacob this last month. Met a Veto pilot called Raxip Elamp who, at a guess, might have issues about enforced unhappy freedom. Also met Sard Caid. Very strange to do that while I still have kill rights on him, although I was in holo so we've still not breathed the same air. Does that somehow make it okay?

"So Mata, can I call you that?"

"Mmm. Why not? I suppose we're past conventional formalities. Do you prefer 'Sard'?"

And then there was Ethan himself and... nostalgia. A great sodden wave of it. Talking to Ethan brought it all back: dunesurfing, icecream, dancing to his piano playing, and... Jonny.

Maia doesn't know who Jonny is. I've come to wonder if that's for the best.

With Jacob away so long I'm thinking with my head again. Not a bad thing, I suppose, but it's clinical, lacking the surge and impulse of the gene-wisdom and the archetypes.

Instinct

I'm acting like I want another child.

It's not a good time for that. All sorts of reasons. But the ancestors and the erendati don't care about reasons: they care about what's worked over generations. I've lost people lately. There are gaps to fill.

And the ancestors and erendati still haven't caught up with the fact that in these clones I use most of the time, it doesn't matter what they get me to do.

Except jump home to my real body.

I want my marks again.