Hunters

Damrak is here: hungry, but diverting from his hunting to watch my dancing and marking. He knows; at least some of it. He'd like a chance to mark this body, too.

I've told him 'no'.

Why did I do that? Do I not want to? Am I scared to? Is it – on balance – not worth it?

Once again I've made no promises, yet once again I'm turning down other opportunities. I could have taken a lover for the duration of the gathering. I could have celebrated with my cohort or, come to think of it, with a number of groups. But I haven't. I can almost imagine the report card: “Matariki fails to play well with others and turns down opportunities to bond with them.”

Part of me would like to try Damrak again with me as an equal, or even as the hunter. What would it be like? A struggle and a fight: he's another man I have no concerns about breaking. He's such a hunter – am I wrong to call him a predator? – that I think of him as fair game. I'm intrigued. Not before the marks, though – the clone was barely healed from the last time with Jacob, and Frarn had rolled his eyes at the extra challenges of working with distressed skin. Not after, either: ouch. So no Damrak for me this time.

I'm also... would I want to lie in his arms betweentimes? Would there be – could there be – gentleness and wordplay? Would I want there to be? If I'm trying out some hunting of my own and also making a point, don't I just want to be able to walk away? That was lovely. Have a good life.

Does it work like that? Maybe I could just assume the world into that sort of shape and it wouldn't realise any differently, the way I didn't realise any differently.

Jacob's doing well so far at making me want to stay. I think he understands more of the game than I do. I sometimes think he understands some things about me that I don't yet know. There I was, hoping to be a special and unique flower, and I'm coming to suspect that I'm (also?) a type, with triggers and responses in common with many others. I imagine that with his age and experience you see patterns; know your prey; learn the choreography.

I'm enjoying learning.

If I'm being played, for now it's worth it.