Landing

And after that long virtual marathon it comes to this: sitting cross-legged on a real bed, trying to explain, in inadequate words, things which I don't fully understand.

The reason I've considered Damrak: to replay that scene with me there as a person.

The reason that last time with Jacob was so hard: the sense that I no longer mattered; that he can have what he can hold, but no more. The rest of me... is up there with the bright-coloured birds in the virtual trees.

I must have some room to move if I'm to be there; all of me; engaged. Some sense that what I do makes a difference, even if it's small. Some hope. Take that away, and there is only outward surrender and inward flight.

We'd come so far.

Change tense: We've come so far, and in exploring edges and boundaries we've messed up for a bit.

It was even all virtual. I could have broken the connection at any time. But I still believe it's a failure to quit an engagement once I've committed to it. How do I work on that?

It is no longer a simple thing of lust and joy. It's a more complex thing of lust and joy and negotiation and accidentally/intentionally stumbling into old scenes which I need to learn to avoid completely or replay with altered scripts.

The nanites seem to be settling in okay. No immune response to them, although the spikes in pulse, respiration, etc, had the medics holding me for observation for hours longer than they'd said.

I did warn them.